Unbearable Longing: How one organization is helping Indians Heal through Intimacy

Written by Hina Siddiqui, Queer Neurodivergent Transmedia Storyteller in conversation with Aili Seghetti, Founder and Head Curator - The Intimacy Curator

Aili and Akshay of The Intimacy Curator demonstrating how intimacy coaching sessions work.

At some level, we instinctively believe that we have a need to meaningfully connect with each other. However, there also seems to be this contrary societal notion that connection will happen automatically. The ‘if it is meant to be’ approach, if you will. A pervasive notion that, like breathing, no human being needs to be taught how to form attachments and intimate connections. And so, we aren’t taught how to make friends at home or in school, yet we are all expected to have them and judged when we don’t. We aren’t taught how to start conversations, be authentic in relationships or even how to date in a way that emotionally satisfies all parties involved - yet, our human worth often comes down to our ability to forge bonds with other humans, whether it’s at work, in our personal or social lives.

Probably Relevant Side-Note: Yes, I know, in a capitalistic world, your human worth also largely comes down to your productivity, “usefulness to society” and financial wealth. But we have seen enough Asian drama to let us know that it doesn’t matter how rich you are if you don't have some love on the side <rolls eyes so hard>. So that’s our double standard exposed and also, personally, I am currently far more concerned about how to get my next cuddle sesh in rather than my next pay-cheque, but that is a whole other can of gummies, so I better not get distracted.

By and large, people believe that intimacy is not a skill that we acquire over our lifetimes, but an innate process perpetually running in the background. In this month’s Spotlight, we bring you a unique collective of people who are changing this narrative and curating intimacy to help individuals form deeper, meaningful and longer-lasting connection. 

Aili Seghetti helping discover one's Ishq Map

The Intimacy Curator (TIC) provides intimacy coaching and promotes self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being. Their cornerstone is the very logical belief that the best way to combat the shame, guilt and confusion around sex, relationships and intimacy (a global phenomenon, by the way) is through education, therapeutic intervention and experiential learning. What this means in practical terms is not just talking about how to fix a marriage or curing loneliness with a pill, but to actually explore intimacy hands-on - through touch, cuddling, and roleplay in combination with methodologies and frameworks that help one intellectually and emotionally understand one’s unique sexual dimension and presence in longterm relationships.  

Probably Relevant Side-Note: What is Intimacy? And WHY should we care?

According to Aili, “Broadly, intimacy for me is connecting with other humans at a deeper level. This could be sexually, emotionally, spiritually, artistically, etc. I think it's important we don't forget that we can only exist if we support each other. The world is moving towards hyper-Individualism, some places faster some slower, and it's time to start thinking about balancing this by nurturing relationships.

I believe one can get to know oneself mostly through relationships. We learn so much about ourselves when we go on conscious dates and observe how we react and engage with another human. We learn so much from our partners, colleagues, family members, and community. We often forget to appreciate the people around us. I am all for introspection but sitting alone in a room contemplating life and the universe will only take one to a certain point.”

Aili Seghetti, Founder and Head Curator at TIC

Though TIC was officially founded in 2020, Founder and Head Curator, Aili Seghetti’s journey and practice go back further. Half Finn and half Italian, born in Finland, Aili has lived in the UK and has called India home for close to two decades now. “I came to India backpacking in 2000 and decided I wanted to live here. I moved to India to write my research paper on the representation of black people in commercial Hindi cinema.”

With a Master’s in Critical Media and Cultural Studies, Aili was initially focused on cultural research, specifically in the South Asian Context. But it wasn’t until 2015, when Aili was engaged in research for several dating apps that she began to find more joy in talking to people about sex, relationships and love.

At the same time, she had opened up her marriage and began dating again - a space a lot of us know from experience can be rife with emotions, prejudices and a lack of systematic communication. It was this that prompted Aili to shift from a career in research to becoming a sex therapist and relationship coach.

Probably Relevant Side-Note: What is an Open Marriage?

An open marriage follows guidelines of agreed-upon emotional and/or physical relations outside the primary (wedded) partners. 

When asked how to actually define an open marriage, therapist Gwen Lotery laughs and says, “That’s the fun part! There’s lots of variation.” She then follows up with a more tactile definition to build from, adding, “My personal definition is ethical non-monogamy, meaning practicing non-monogamy consensually between two or more partners.” 

Lotery emphasizes how “consent” is the keyword to take in here (and what separates a healthy open relationship from infidelity), but what exactly that consent encompasses is hyper-individualized. “Each couple gets to make up their own rule book,” she explains, “and most importantly, you get to revise your rules at any time.”

Source: How to Know If an Open Marriage Is Right for You: Lindsey Black in conversation with sex therapist Gwen Lotery for Brides.com

Aili has since trained in psychotherapy and is a certified Somatica Coach, the only one in India offering this experiential method suitable for people who are interested in exploring intimacy hands-on. “The method is different from sex surrogacy, or sexological bodywork,” Aili explains, “as clothes are kept on and no genitals are touched. The sessions are the closest one can get to physical intimacy within the legal boundaries and are extremely useful for people who are afraid of reaching out to partners, for whatever reasons.”

These one-on-one sessions have proven to be a great tool for people with both low and high sex drives, porn addiction, fear of physical intimacy, as well as, with more debilitating issues such as sexual abuse trauma, erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. And while this might seem like an unreal scenario in the Indian context, Aili’s calendar speaks otherwise. She regularly sees about 3-5 people a day with some sessions running to 2 hours.

But it’s not like her work doesn’t come with its unique challenges. Especially for Aili, a white blonde woman who speaks Hindi working with intimacy in a culture that festishizes people like her. But Aili does choose to see this as an opportunity. 

“The good thing is that many believe that I know about sex because I am a white woman who looks like a porn star. Many feel it's easier to open up about taboo subjects with a white blonde. It's great because we can get to the deepest issues within minutes as opposed to multiple sessions.”

The key concern is spreading awareness though. Even people who engage with TIC’s services are unlikely to recommend it because we live in a culture of silence, where no one talks to even their best friends about their sexual issues.  “We can't advertise on social media just like any sex toy or alcohol brand. We get a lot of enquiries for sex workers so that takes a lot of time. People think we offer them and don't see value in taking a session on improving their sex lives with their partners. They don't think it's possible and prefer going to sex workers.”

Aili draws not just from her vast knowledge and academic experience but from her own life: “With respect to physical intimacy, my personal journey has been complex. I had, and still have so many body image issues. Had a lot of sex but not many enjoyable sexual experiences until my 40s. And even now, I often struggle to say no when I want to, get into performance mode or disassociate. I started in my early teens, was sexually exploited and assaulted often, by much older people, became sexually anorexic, became hypersexual. Have been through most scenarios that my clients present to me today. Often it is not about finding a solution but just about meeting a client where they are with compassion and empathy.”

Probably Relevant Side-Note: One of the things I asked Aili when researching this article was what she hopes to achieve through TIC. I didn’t mean anything by it because as a writer, you learn to ask such questions in the hopes of gaining some insight into what makes a business tick. However, the answer Aili wrote back resonated so deeply with my own personal ideals and life experience that I am compelled to reshare it here, verbatim:

“I want to change this for others. We didn't have all the information 30, 20, 10 years ago and now we do. It's important that we spread knowledge, compassion and our experiences with not just younger generations but everyone.

The more we normalize different types of relationship styles, sexualities, experiences the less likely people are going to use coercion and violence to deal with their internal shame.

Ninety percent of my clients have experiences of sexual abuse, assault, coercion as children. I want to make sure they feel safe now because it's impacting them not just sexually, but in all aspects of their lives and relationships. I want to make sure that more and more children and more vulnerable adults stay and feel safe. Whether this means working with abusers, people who cheat and people who mainstream would consider perpetrators or potential victims. Most perpetrators are victims of abuse, if they come forth to share their experiences we are already very ahead in the journey.”

The Intimacy Curator goes beyond sex therapy.

• TIC offers sessions for people exploring non-monogamy (both consensual and non), kink, fetishes, BDSM and Dating Surrogacy™ (going on actual dates with a coach). 

• With respect to kink, TIC offers an orientation program to kink (Kink Blueprint™), a framework designed for beginners. People can get support in navigating BDSM, power exchanges, creating a kink character and kink preferences through 5 sessions. 

• With respect to nonmonogamy, TIC organizes quarterly polyamorous events in Mumbai where people can meet, get support and learn about consensual nonmonogamy.

The collaborative team of contributors uses various approaches to help you discover your intimate strengths. Akshay, a dating surrogate and kink mentor, helps you practice skills in connection, flirting, seduction and intimacy. Joanna, the female orgasm curator focuses on women’s pleasure. Zoe uses reiki, integral sound healing, and mindful meditation. You can find support on lifestyle and fashion, dealing with joint families, HIV and STI guidance as well as astrological insight through TIC - all within a queer-inclusive, kink-positive, trauma-informed environment.

So if you are already intrigued and want to take the plunge into emotional and sexual well-being, you can book an appointment with The Intimacy Curator by filling out this form.

Or you can dip your feet in and get to know more about the practises and concerns you specifically have through the detailed writings on their website: 

Self-Actualisation and the Laundry List of Relationships that talks about how we can unlearn societal conditioning about dating, finding a partner and “settling down”.   

Reflexions on Hierarchies and Binaries in Kink, Love & Sex that unpacks how constructs of gender, patriarchy, romantic love etc. can still lead to binaries of top/bottom, femme/masc, dom/sub even in non-normative relationships.
Consensual Nonconsent: A Sexual Assault Survivor’s Experience that looks into rape fantasies and what they truly imply.

And if you are looking for events or gatherings in a group or public setting - a sensorial dating experience or a immersing yourself in a community of people practicing non-monogamous, polyamorous relationships or even if you’re up for a foot fetish cruise, check out all the offerings here and keep an eye on TIC’s instagram for announcements, or better yet, get in touch and make these happen at a safe venue near you!